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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Friendship is not a one-way street.

Lately, a lot of people have been pissing me off - of which some includes my very own friends. Four close friends to be exact (not talking about Ah ma & gang).

It's not a redundant anger, but rather, an accumulated one. Accumulated over the months or even years when it comes to certain individuals and situations.

Before you try and judge me, you gotta understand why I'm so pissed off with them & where I'm coming from first. I'm not some volcano that erupts for slight/no reason or an earthquake that shakes people up out of the blue.

I don't lash my anger on people unnecessarily.
Ultimately if I do, it only means one thing - I have given the same person/situation many chances to redeem themselves prior to these but they just never did anything.

Before I write further, please ask yourselves this question first:

What exactly is FRIENDSHIP? What does friendship means to you?

And I'm referring to CLOSE knit friendships, not the hi & bye acquaintances who won't even know if your cat died yesterday.

I understand that different people value friendships differently. Our current status as a person might also affect the way we see/value things. Example... say, if you're happily attached/married, you might probably have less time for friends and friendship means little to you coz you're god-damn-happy til you've forgotten what friends can actually offer you. Otherwise, if you're not too happy in your relationship/marriage, you might actually see the need for external support (mentality) from your friends once in a while and that's where you might see the need to put some importance on having a well-balanced lifestyle between friends and family. So you see, it really depends from person to person on what friendship actually means to them.

Now, I will tell you what friendship means to me, or rather, what I hope out of close friends and what close friends may hope out of me - be it you/I are/am single/attached/married - unless you/I are/am dead.

1. A friend who accepts you as you are.

2. A friend who brings positive vibes into your life.

3. A friend whom you can count on - someone who will be there for you in times of need.

4. A friend who has a well-balanced life - to actually make some effort to spare some time for their close friends instead of always prioritizing their spouse/partner/pet/money/career up to the extend where they can't even spare ONE DAY (or even half of it) amidst their "dating days/career-building days" out of many months or even years. Of course, I'm not saying that they must prioritize friends over their partner/career/ above everything else - of course NOT! However, don't tell me they can't even set aside a little time for their close friends once in a while just to catch up on each others' life?

In short, it should be a friend who does not literally ditch you (or turns you into a 'spare tyre') the moment they are attached/famous or something like that.

5. A friend who does not give excuses all the time like "I'm so busy I can't meet you my friend but I have all the time in the world to be with my gf/bf/wife/husband/pet/work or go party/holiday/everything else except finding a time to slot you into my life." And when they have little hiccups in their life, they start to have all the time in the world to complain/rant about it to you - whom they didn't even bother about all this while. Friends are not spare tyres, mind you.

6. A friend who does not just keep taking, but also gives - in their own way. This is unconditional and need not be so calculative, of course. 

7. A friend who bothers to check on how you are doing and find out if you're still alive and kicking every once in a while without having you to dance in front of them before they start to notice.

8. A friend who does not take you for granted. Even if something happens to you tomorrow, they will be one of the first to know instead of being the last.

9. A friend who knows how to reach out to you when you're down and also celebrates with you when you're soaring.

10. A friend who makes an effort to keep the friendship going strong & healthy. It's a two-way relationship, not a one-way street.

Btw I'm NOT writing this to hurt or to diss any of those 4 friends - I have no such intentions. I just feel that I can no longer tolerate such long-term attitudes and I'm jotting this down in my blog to make myself remember my lessons learnt these far. If you're my close friend and you're reading this, I believe you can differentiate among yourselves whether this entry means something to you or not. I don't like misunderstandings either, so if you feel wronged or something, I will spare you some time to let you talk about it. I'm not gonna get angry coz what I'm really feeling here is actually utter DISAPPOINTMENT. Words are not enough to describe the exasperation I feel when I give shit about you and you don't even give a shit about me.

So what exactly is the lesson I've learnt?

Do not cherish the friends who do not cherish me.
Do not stand up for my friends who will not stand up for me.
Do not put my friends on a pedestral and give them priority if that is not what I'm given.

As for the rest of the non-close-friends-category who pissed me off, it's okay, I'm not even gonna write about those because those people weigh no importance to me. Not important enough to be mentioned in my blog lol. You see, if I didn't care enough for these 4 friends, I don't think I would even feel disappointed at all. I wonder if they even feel half of what I feel after reading this.

With lots of sweets & chocolates.


Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed your post. Recently, I have been accused of being a one way street friend, as if my efforts to help this person didn't mean anything. Thank you for posting this.

Anonymous said...

i liked your post! and i can completely relate. I had a friend who used to always dump their problems on me (even call me at ridiculous times of the day a talk about the same things over and over again) then one day i had a bad experience and suffered depression as a result and upon seeking consolation from them they said they were 'sick of hearing about my issues!!'.... after all i had done for them. Anyway thanx for the post, it made me feel a lot better and encouraged me to leave that relationship.

Zazabong said...

Thank you all! It's definitely a heartfelt post which I pretty much felt about back then. I guess, in life, we just have to learn to make ourselves feel better and move on from people who take us for granted. :)

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